Breaking chains.
I’ve had the best Christmas of my life, right when I gave up on trying to make it good…
When I lived back at home every year was the same. Fights, arguments, hatred.
This year I’m surrounded by love, but not by the people I was hoping for.
I’ve got multiple families, but not the people I was hoping for.
I am seen, without having to over-explain myself, but not by the people I was hoping for.
I have accepted this year that I will never get it from the people I’ve always hoped for.
The best Christmas of my life, I didn’t expect anything from it, but I was happy.
I was so damn happy that I wanted to share it with the people I was hoping for.
And I did. I shared the love and happiness. Regardless of that I knew I wouldn’t get anything in return from them… Until they send an email back…
‘’Thank you, I hope you liked the present we sent you.’’
Gift? You thought about me? Hope. False hope.
They send me a gift, but they know I don’t live at the same address anymore.
A monster crawling up my back. Do they know my new address? Should I send my new address so they don’t put effort into nothing? No. That’s
exactly what they want. If I give them my address, I’m back where I started. I moved, so they couldn’t find me.
Then why did they send the gift? Power. They want their power over me back. And I almost let them have that power again. It’s just one response
away. Their power. If I would have given into them, they’d have their power back.
Weak… I feel so weak.
I realize that they only want power over me. They have never seen me, never loved me, didn’t even send me a ‘merry christmas’ back. My mom doesn’t even bother to try for me.
‘’You ungrateful child! We gave you a roof over your head and even sent you a gift after all you put us through!’’
That’s what she would say. That’s why I feel guilty for not responding to their ‘gift’.
For not accepting it.
How ungrateful of me.
I am so ‘ungrateful’ for not accepting their gift, after being raped and abused by them.
After being told that I need to let it go and never talk about it again.
After being told that I shouldn’t have let him in my bed.
After being told that I need to save their image.
After being asked to cover up my bruises.
What would people think of them?
Where was I?
I disappeared.
I didn’t matter.
To them.
To them I was a problem.
To them I was nothing.
But.
A.
Problem.
Headache.
Tiring.
Worthless.
Ugly.
Fat.
Too much.
And.
Ungrateful.
This is where I take my power back.
I’ve seen my brother being consumed by them.
He was hungry for them.
Their acceptance.
Their ‘love’.
And he gave into them.
He gave himself away.
He gave his power away.
To them.
And I get it.
I would have done the same.
If I hadn’t been through what I’ve been through.
So really, I am lucky.
To have seen who they really are.
Still…
Still it’s not easy.
To not give in to them.
After all they put me through.
All the hatred.
Bullying.
Not giving a fuck.
About me.
To them,
I was nothing.
And I never will be something.
To them.
Even if they try to ‘buy’ me over.
With a few mouse clicks.
Website. Click.
Add to cart. Click.
Sent to the wrong address. Click.
And one fucking sentence.
‘’Thank you, I hope you liked the present we sent you.’’
A few years back I might have fallen for it.
I might have listened to the people saying: ‘’How nice of them to send you a present! At least they’re trying.’’
This time, I know better. For those people have no idea what they’re talking about. They don’t know what I know. And I’m happy for them, that they don’t know. They’re lucky, really.
My brother gave me my gamers ID. Clarielisk. He told me a year ago why he gave me that name. He said: ‘’I took the name from a snake in Harry
Potter. Basilisk. Because you are the snake of our family. For turning your back on us.’’ And I couldn’t be prouder to own that name.
For turning my back on them, I am breaking the chains for my family.
For my family will be seen for who they are and loved for exactly who they are.
Even if I imagine them to be different, for I can't imagine my children to be anyone, but themselves. I can not expect them to be anyone.
They wouldn’t be true to who they are if they match my imagination.
For my imagination is only in my head.
It’s not real, that’s why it’s called imagination.
I’m looking forward to meeting them, as they are.
That’s why I’m breaking the chains today.
For them.
&
For the family I already have created.
The family I found by heart.
And most of all,
For myself.
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